• survivethenarcissist


I want to be clear about one thing: there is monumental pain involved in the healing process. It is painful enough to be the child of a narcissist, but reliving everything that was done to you, or not done for you, can be excruciating. That being said, however, it will be the best and most important pain you will ever feel, because at the end of that dark tunnel you have been living in is the bright light you have been praying for. Trust me on this. After many months of EMDR therapy that took me back to reliving my traumas, causing intense sobbing and total exhaustion, I emerged from my dark tunnel completely free of the pain I had lived with for over 60 years. This is why I repeat over and over again that you can live your best life and be in control of everything you do. No more brainwashing, no more manipulation or lying, and no need to seek anyone's approval for anything. No more shame, and no more guilt. And never again will you go out of your way to please that parent in the hopes they would like you for even a minute. Just you, making all of your own decisions, pleasing yourself. This is real freedom.

I spent years upon years doing nice things for my mother. I confided things in her that I always regretted. She either disapproved of what I was doing, or she told everyone in the family what I had asked her to keep in confidence. In the rare instance that she actually thanked me for doing something for her, it was always followed by some criticism or critique of something else. I could never win. The conversation could go like this:

NM: Thank you for____. I appreciate it. But I do not understand why you would do____. It makes absolutely no sense. No one in their right mind would ever do ____. You do not know what you are doing. OR

NM: Thank you for ___. I appreciate it. But why are you wearing that? It looks awful. It doesn't match. I can't understand why, with all of the clothes in your closet, you would put something on like that looks so terrible on you.

And if I fought back, she would punish me with silence; sometimes for days, weeks or even months.

Sound familiar? What would it be like for you to never again have a conversation like this? How would it feel to be able to take a compliment by just saying thank you, and not having to explain or qualify the compliment? Can you imagine living a life where the only person you have to please is you? How about never being compared to anyone again? Not a sibling, cousin, friend or anyone else? What if your words were actually heard, rather than being twisted into a totally different meaning? What if you had no more anger, not even towards your narcissistic parent? And what if you could stop looking for the love you never had because you finally love yourself?

The Narcissist does not change, so you have to. Once you understand this concept, you will be on your way to healing. You know the expression, "a leopard doesn't change its spots?" Think of the Narcissist as the leopard. They cannot and will not ever be changed because they will never acknowledge there is anything wrong with them. They see themselves as perfect, and yet often the victim. They will blame you for everything because they cannot take responsibility for any of their actions. So this leaves only two options for you:

1. continue to put up with it and live the painful, miserable life you have been living, or 2. CHANGE YOURSELF. I highly recommend #2.

I have set up a chat option on this blog in the bottom right hand corner of each page. Please message me if you need to chat. It's amazing how freeing it can be to chat with someone who gets you. And I do. Or you can email and we can talk that way. I can guide you in the right direction towards total healing. You are not alone.

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