• survivethenarcissist

Go no contact...

Easy for me to say! Not really. Going no contact is one of the hardest things I ever did. But when I learned how to cut the cord that connected me to my mother, I felt freer and more at peace than any other time in my life. I had to work through feelings of doubt and guilt. I had to be able to withstand anything that my mother might say behind my back-or to my face for that matter. I had had a knock-down, drag-out fight with her in October of 2015. Although I was still filled with rage, I was able to tell her everything she did to me; and to my brother. I put my big girl pants on, stood up for myself, and told her she was a terrible mother; the worst possible kind of mother; an emotional abuser. She called me crazy, a liar, said I made everything up because I was delusional, and then said she knows she was a great mother, and she'll go to her grave believing she was the best mother. I told her the only one here who is delusional is her. I told her we were done; there was nothing left to say. And I hung up.

In December 2015, I received a birthday card from her with a check in it. I threw it and the check away. I felt nothing. In the past, I would've forced myself to call her and thank her, but no more. It was at that very moment I knew I had successfully cut the cord. I no longer needed anything from her. I stopped feeling responsible for all that was wrong in our family. I no longer needed to try and please her. I no longer tried to get her approval. I felt strong and powerful and validated. She was responsible for all that was wrong. She was a very sick woman who could never see herself as anything but beautiful, entitled, special, rich, etc. Her delusions of grandeur prevented her from feeling any love, compassion, or empathy. She truly believed she was a wonderful mother. She truly believes that everyone she knows and meets "loves her." And since we have established that one cannot argue with a narcissist, the only option here was to go NO CONTACT. And I did.

I did not speak to her for almost 3 years until I received a call from her Life Alert company that they'd been trying to reach her because they received a low battery signal. I was still the emergency contact listed on her account. They'd been leaving messages for her to set up an appointment, but heard nothing back. So I called her.

She has caller ID on her land line, and the first words she said, in the angriest of tones, were "what do you want. Why are you calling me?" I very calmly said, "I am not going to allow you to talk to me in that tone-not now, not ever. I'm calling to do you a favor-there's something wrong with your Life Alert. But if you can't speak nicely and respectfully, I'm hanging up." She immediately backed down. You see, the narcissist is really a coward. When you stand up to them, overpower them, tell them how they are going to behave because you are now the boss, they shrivel up like the weak, spineless individual they are. And let's not forget-this call was all about her. It was about something she needed to have or she might be in danger. She was feeling threatened, and consequently did a 180 with her tone.

After I explained to her who she needed to call. I gave her the 800 number for the Life Alert company and she said she'd get it done. Then she said, "how did we get here? I don't know what I did. I've loved you more than anything in the world since the day you were born." I said, "you didn't know how to love me/us. You only think you did. We got here because of everything you did to me all my life, and never acknowledging your behavior. You've never taken any responsibility for the estrangement that exists. But I'm not going to dwell on the past anymore, because the past is the past. It cannot be changed. I will never change the way I feel, or the way I see the past. And you won't change either. So it's time to move forward from here." She didn't know what to say because she was always looking for a fight, and I was no longer combative.

I told her my kids were planning a trip to NY in November of 2018, and I was planning to come with them. I had some old friends I wanted to see and I would make the time to see her. She thought that would be wonderful!! I did see her when I was in NY. At first, she was distant and angry. She was clearly uncomfortable being around me. I ignored it. And eventually she calmed. I spent small amounts of time with her throughout the five days I was there. Leopards do not change their spots, and she is still the same person she always was. The difference was/is me. I am totally in control, not her. She was very careful of what she said, and how she said it. My daughter and I went to say good-bye on the day we were flying home to LA. My NM actually looked a little sad. She gave me a hug--one of those kind of nervous, icy hugs that lacked any warmth at all. I gave her the same kind of hug in return, because I felt nothing for her.

I have spoken to her a couple of times since November. She called me the day before my birthday to wish me a happy birthday. Otherwise, she does not call unless she needs something. I called her on her birthday, January 14th. Today is February 16th, and I have not talked to her since. This is a pattern; her pattern. It will always be like this. I don't have much interest in talking to her. Every call is about her anyway. And it's always what's wrong and horrible in her life. I'm so grateful that I live 3000 miles away.

Please read and reread this article. Understand you can go no contact. And understand how cathartic it can be for you. Sometimes it's forever, and sometimes it's until you are ready and comfortable being in contact again. Maybe it's months; maybe years. But understand the choice is yours, no one else's. Take back your life, your sanity, your peace of mind, your power. I'm here to chat if you like; privately, or just feel free to comment. You are not alone.

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