It's amazing how one's way of life is one's norm. You are raised in a particular environment, by a certain type of parent(s), be that good or bad. But you do not know anything else. And so that becomes your norm. And because of that norm you do not realize that something is very, very wrong with the dynamic of your family. Or maybe you do realize it, but, like me, not until you are in your 60s.
My only sibling is my younger brother. He is 4 years younger. He had estranged himself from the entire family. It lasted 7+ years. There were many years where we got along just fine; even had fun together. But for every year that was good and peaceful, there was another year that was miserable-years that were wrought with backstabbing, manipulation, incredible anger and resentment, and outrageous competition; behaviors we learned from our mother.
My mother taught us how to be jealous of everyone around us because she was jealous of everyone around us. She taught us how to be jealous of each other. We learned to compete with each other and to be vindictive toward one another.
My brother fought with my parents like I did. He gave to them as well. Very little was ever appreciated. More often than not he spent an inordinate amount of time listening to her complain about everything that was wrong in her life, and never asking him how he was, or how his daughter was.
She emotionally abused us both. She played us against each other. Sometimes I was the "golden child" and he was the "scapegoat." And at other times, it was reversed. We never knew from day to day who she was going to "pretend" to love, and who she would "pretend" to hate. If I were the golden child on a given day, she would make sure I knew why she was angry with my brother and manipulate me into being angry with him and basically hating him. And of course that meant I would take her side, defending her to the end in the hopes she would "like" me. She was really good at making me think she actually liked me. But then there were the other days where she'd flip the scenario. My brother would be the golden and I was the scapegoat. She would turn him against me--he'd side with her against me in the hopes that she would "like" him. Again, not real, never long-lasting. You see, as stated in previous posts, the narcissist is incapable of love, so there is nothing real about what appears to be positive reinforcement or parental love.
Note. It is very, very important to note the following: the above described behavior of the NM is not limited to the time when the children are young. This behavior continues well into the adulthood of the children, and the children continue to follow these behavioral patterns all their lives-unless they have gone into intense healing to understand what was done to them and to learn how to stop these behaviors from ever continuing into another generation.
There were a few times over the years that my brother and I were estranged for all the reasons I've written about here, and more. We did some really nasty things to each other-behaviors we had experienced from our mother.
But, the last nail in the coffin was in January of 2013. Intense arguments and severe stress forced my brother to make the smartest decision of his life. He walked away from his parents and his sister, to save his marriage and his relationship with his only daughter. My mother, of course, tried to turn me against him. While I was very hurt and sad about this estrangement, I refused to get involved. And of course, my mother just hated that.
Update:
In 2020, after much personal healing, I felt strong enough to approach my brother about talking. Truth was, I missed him. I missed the good times. And, I had no other siblings. And, the playing field was leveled as I, too, no longer had any contact with my mother.
We were able to reconcile and put the past behind us. We realized and came to terms with what we had experienced and this enabled us to move forward.
If any of this post rings true for you, and you'd like to have a private conversation, please email me. I'd be happy to guide you towards healing. No one needs to live under the shadow of a narcissistic parent. There is so much help out there now, and so much clarity on the dynamic of the narcissist's family. Please know that you are absolutely not alone. You can be free, and have peace in your life. I am free of it all, and I have peace.
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