It's all well and good to know the characteristics/traits of a narcissist, but the HOW is hugely important. How does one become a narcissist anyway? Is it hereditary? Is it caused by bad parenting? Is it the result of trauma? Yes, yes, yes and then some. But before I delve into all of the hows, please, please know and understand that being raised by a narcissist does not define you, nor does it mean you will become one. I did not become a narcissist, but I had a very clear picture of all that was wrong, and all of the behaviors I DID NOT want to repeat.
I've done extensive research on narcissism, especially with regard to how this happens. I've also had many, many conversations with therapists and healers about what behaviors cause one person to become a narcissist, and another person to not.
Let's talk about trauma, first. I believe Psychology Today said it best: "What seems to drive narcissistic individuals is something called “the Narcissistic Wound”. At some time in their life, usually in childhood, the narcissistic individual is shamed or disgraced in such a way, that they can never again truly feel good about who they are. Perhaps it is a parent or a critical coach or teacher. Perhaps a superbly timed and well-targeted putdown just at the moment when the young narcissist is acting like the star that he thinks he is."
So this person who is this compliment and/or admiration magnet is nothing but a wounded little child. He/she cannot face the day without the adoration from others. And when they don't get it, they feel incredible pain; like big losers; failures. Just like they felt the first time they experienced the Narcissistic Wound of humiliation. And they spend a lifetime trying to heal that wound, but failing every time.
It should be noted that in many cases the Narcissistic Wound was so severe, and so traumatic, that the person has suppressed the memory of it. The resulting behavior is the same, but they cannot face the reality of that original experience(s) of shame or disgrace. My therapist's theory was that my mother suffered an extreme traumatic experience in childhood (the Narcissistic Wound), maybe even sexual molestation, and either does not remember it, or refuses to talk about it. While this is quite plausible, I have alternate theories.
The Narcissistic Wound, is one cause of narcissism. But let's not forget there are other causes. Intense admiration of a child by a parent is another way a person can grow to become a narcissist. The parent idolizes the child, and places that child on a pedestal. That child can do no wrong. He/she is the most beautiful/handsome, smartest, funniest, most capable, most athletic, kindest, and most loving child ever put on this earth. And this is often at the expense of other children in the same family. The parent's obsession with this child, and how they perceive this child, causes the child to grow to be an entitled adult who needs constant stroking and adoration from everyone around him/her. They see themselves as a star, far above everyone else. And when they don't get the stroking, or they are not rewarded as they think they should be, they feel wounded. They may be extremely moody in order to get the attention they need. And they may treat others poorly with manipulation and/or humiliation.
Bad parenting is also a known contributor to creating a narcissist; parents with super high expectations of the child, and love the child conditionally. The only way the child can receive love is by high achieving and making the parents happy. Everything the child does is to make the parents happy. And when the child fails to be "the best," the parents withhold any contact at all. The child is often lectured, berated, humiliated and punished for not meeting the parents' expectations. The child is even punished with silence; the parents literally stop talking to the child to let him/her know how angry and disappointed they are.
But for me, based on my work and my history, narcissism is an inherited pattern; inherited from one's lineage. As I look at my own family tree on my mother's side, there were many narcissists whom I knew going back 4 generations. And those who were not narcissists, married a narcissist; sometimes more than one time.
One thing I discovered in researching and writing this post is that all of these different causes of narcissism can overlap. Trauma, extreme admiration, unconditional love, extreme punishment, etc. may all be present in the same situation. I experienced traumatic events, my mother's love was always conditional yet distant, and she punished me with silence. When I didn't live up to her expectations, she stopped talking to me until I begged to know what I had done. And yet, I survived it all.
Understanding what you are dealing with is the first step on your journey to healing. Talking to someone who gets it really helps so much. Please feel free to contact me and let me know what you're struggling with. You can be free to live your life as you choose.
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